Reluctant Donor

Wow, I suck at blogging. So much for sharing my experiences of the 3-day walk. I guess I could sum it up here now but, frankly, I've moved on. During the 3-day walk, Jenn asked "what's our next challenge going to be?" It was fun to joke about that while we were struggling through our 60 miles but now, not more than a month later, I find myself already facing down my next big challenge.

I'm supposed to be reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck right now but, instead, I'm reading a book called The Reluctant Donor. I'm reading this rather than my book club selection because I am reluctantly considering becoming a kidney donor for my brother. I wish I could say I was an enthusiastic donor candidate - an altruistic donor - but I am a frightened donor prospect. This week, the Mayo Clinic called to say that I have been approved as a donor. I've passed the testing, the transplant team has reviewed my results and my brother's file and decided that there's a good enough chance that my kidney would function inside my brothers body. I cried when I got the call. The tears hovered just under the surface for the rest of the day. I am terrified.

Two and a half years ago, my brothers kidneys failed, likely a result of chronic high blood pressure left uncontrolled for too long. He ended up in the hospital with off-the-charts blood pressure and toxic levels of potassium in his blood. It's a miracle he didn't die before finding his way to the hospital. He was diagnosed with end stage renal failure and immediately put onto dialysis. Three times a week, for 3 hours or more each time, my brother is hooked up to a life-saving machine that cleans his blood. Dialysis removes only about 10% of the toxin in his body. It alters his blood chemistry in a period of a few hours rather than steadily, which is incredibly hard on his other organs. Doctors estimate that 20% of dialysis patients die while waiting for a kidney. The list of people waiting for kidneys is more than 90,000 strong in the US.

I am healthy and my brother is sick. This is a familiar story. Jimmy was born with two holes in his heart. I am the oldest of 5 children, I was 8 when Jimmy was born but I don't remember his birth. I wonder why? I can remember all of other kids'. What I do remember is that Jimmy was a blue baby. His heart didn't circulate his blood through his body, he was thin, with stick arms and legs. He had a thin layer of dark brown hair covering a head that seemed too large on his fragile body. His hair came to a pointed, Eddy Munster style widows peek; that dark hair against his pale skin was unsettling to my 8 year old self. I have memories of my mom trying to feed Jimmy, of Jimmy being too weak to cry, of a general sense of anxiety that pervaded our home.

I was sent, along with my sister Angie, to my grandparents in Minnesota when Jimmy had his open heart surgery. He was less than a year old. The day of his surgery, I sat in my aunt's room, a thousand miles to the north, and cried. I was afraid. After surgery, with a patched up heart and a scar that ran the full length of his chest, Jimmy thrived. But high blood pressure has been his constant companion.

My mother and step-father divorced when I was 13. We moved from Texas back to Minnesota and I became what my mother called her "long term relationship." I helped raise the kids. I took Jimmy to get his hair cut, I walked Angie to school, I chased Christopher through the neighborhood and drew pictures with Rhianna. I internalized the divorce, I referred to when "we" were divorced and when "we" were married. It probably wasn't healthy but it was how we got through. We took care of each other. I bought my sister's college books for her first 2 years, she let each of the other 3 live with her when they needed it. Chris moved first Rhianna into his apartment, then Jimmy when Jimmy got sick. He put off going to school to help take care of Jimmy. We have been a hot mess of dysfunction and co-dependence but we have taken care of each other.

We have taken care of each other. It is who I am. I am who they are. I am healthy and my brother is sick - I can help him and I am afraid.

Return from Vegas... back to work.

It's been long between posts and my life has been insanely busy the last few weeks. While I haven't managed to blog recently, I have managed to create dedicated time each week for walking. Life should start settling down now, which I'm extremely grateful for. Weekly mileage starts ramping up now and I'll need to be more careful about not over-scheduling myself so I can keep up with the goals.

I took a brief hiatus from training walks during a short trip to Vegas. While in town, I didn't worry about whether or not I was walking the prescribed number of miles per day because, really, there wasn't any worry that I wouldn't be getting enough miles in. We walked and walked and walked some more, up and down Las Vegas Blvd.

I learned some important lessons during these miles: my lower back quickly started hurting, which is more than a little worrisome. I was wearing cute shoes - cute but useless in terms of support - and we walked on concrete. That combination made me miserable in short order. My lower back hurt so bad that even coughing required me to brace my back. I need to work hard in the coming weeks to strengthen my ab muscles to help offset the lower back issues. I also need to chose my footwear wisely so I don't aggravate my back.

I finally managed to get my fund-raising letters into the mail and I've made good progress in that department. I'm almost a 1/4 of the way to my goal! Thank you to all the people who have generously supported this effort so far. Today and tomorrow I'm beginning the process of going through my entire house, ruthlessly de-cluttering and organizing items for our 3-day garage sale in June. But first, I'm going for a walk!

Training is easier than asking people for money.

Week... what? 3? Yeah, I think week 3. ;) So far, so good. I haven't missed any of the training walks and when you consider how crazy busy my life is in general, that is a serious accomplishment. I know that there will be times when I have to modify or miss some of the training but I'm trying to put that off for as long as possible. Right now, when the walks are shorter, it's easier for me to adjust my schedule around them. That will become progressively more difficult.

Last weekend, in order to stay on track, I dragged myself out of bed at 6:45 on Saturday morning (I repeat: ON SATURDAY MORNING!) and was out walking by 7:00. I dragged John out for those 4 miles and while he may not have been the most enthusiastic participant, he plodded along without much complaint. As we were making our way up the last hill, he said "I'm only doing this so I can scuba-dive when I'm 70." I love him for comments like that - makes me think 70 won't feel so old after all.

I will say that walking with John can be an exercise in frustration for me. I huff and puff and am all kinds of noisy when we're hoofing along. John is silent, no wheezing or gasping or heaving for breath as we draw near the top of the GI-NORMOUS hill in our neighborhood. I work out waaaaayyyyy more often than John, on the treadmill, on the elliptical, running, jogging, walking, stair-stepping... you name it. That man might grace the gym 2x week if he's lucky. He maintains that he's an "efficient oxygen machine." *roll eyes*

It's worse when I walk with Jenn. At least John has the good grace to remain silent while we trudge up the hill. Jenn can chatter all the way up that damn hill, never sounding the least bit winded, while I'm walking along side her sounding like I haven't gotten off the couch in the last decade. I am not, it appears, an efficient oxygen machine.

So fundraising... yeah. Last week I drafted my letter, printed out copies and then left them sitting on my desk. There they are, sitting right next to me - hard to miss since they're PINK! Well, actually the letters are white, only the donation form is pink. Nonetheless, they are still in my house, which isn't going to raise me any sort of money. Training is way easier than asking people for money. Any yet, today I received another donation, kind of out of the blue. The feeling of excitement and gratitude haven't worn off. I still feel both when I get that email announcing another generous gift.

Newbie Blogger

Somehow, I managed to sign up to follow my own blog. *roll eyes here* I have no idea how I did that, when I did that, or how to undo that so it will remain until I figure out this blog site. I wonder how many other public errors I will commit? Thankfully, my public is small. :) And kind.

I received a surprise donation yesterday as a direct result of the 3-day widget I added to my email signature. Those donations are incredibly motivating. You feel such a sense of gratitude each time you get a new email announcing a donation. I wasn't feeling particularly motivated to walk my 3 miles yesterday. Then I recieved the notification and that spurred me on. (well, that and I also read a friend's post about how she training for a friggin' triathalon!) I had an amazing workout last night. I felt GREAT - strong, healthy. I walked at faster pace than I have since I started training and wasn't so spent after so I lifted while I was there too. My flexiblity has increased.

They (nameless they) say that in order to build a habit, you have to repeat a behavior for 30 days. Well I have something like 155 days until the 3-day walk and I'll be walking 4 out of every 7 days in each of the weeks leading up to the walk. That should give me ample time to build the habit of dedicating time for working out into my daily routine. I'm so busy, as we all are, and working out is the easiest thing for me to cut from my day. This walk is forcing me to think ahead and plan for how I'm going to accomodate that 4-mile walk on Saturday, before I leave for the Cities, before I go to the play with my friends, before I meet my family obligations. If I take nothing else away from this, I hope that I at least take the habit of learning to incorporate workouts as a regular part my schedule.

Welcome to My 360 or "The World As I See It"

I'm taking the name for my blog from the very reason I'm blogging in the first place, my 3 day/60 mile walk (my 360). I'm participating in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure walk this August. I'm trying, sporadically, to keep track of my experiences so I'll have more than a passing memory of what it was like to train for, fundraise for, and actually walk 60 miles in 3 days.

Last week was the 1st week of training. We were scheduled to walk 12 miles for the week and I managed to do just that. Not necessarily on the days they recommend, but 12 miles nonetheless. I also downloaded the coolest app for my phone: Runmeter. It uses the GPS on my phone to track my mileage, mark my route and then kicks out some handy graphs detailing my elevation, my average speed, the splits, etc. I can save routes and it has a ghost feature so I can race my best times. Handy-dandy. Props to Jenn for already having one on her phone, which prompted me to search for my own. She's only had her phone for like a week... how did I not know about this app before?

I also crafted my initial fundraising letter today (I may or may not have spent some time at work writing said letter). I fine tuned it tonight and sent off my first batch. I kind of feel like Elle Woods - I bought pink paper and fought the urge to spritz the envelopes with perfume. I'm not going to lie - it is uncomfortable sending a letter asking for money to every person you know. I'm hopeful that I'll grow accustomed to the feeling. I've got months to go. Yes, I fundraise at work but I'm not asking for money for me. At work I'm asking corporations and faceless strangers. It's another matter altogether when you're hitting up people you went to college or high school with.

I also downloaded and added (thanks to Kevin) a 3-day for the Cure widget to my email signature. Again, I felt a moment of hesitation before hitting the send button a few times today because that icon was attached. Again, hoping that gets easier. But the more people who know that I'm doing this, the more likely it will be that I make it the $2300 goal.

I attended a Getting Started meeting on Saturday and, while the speaker sounded rehearsed in general and painfully trite at times, she did show a video that moved me to tears and reminded me again that I'm not just walking. I'm walking for a cause. Wish me luck on Week 2!